BELIEVE- WISH OR MUST?

Tiada usaha yang sia-sia

Tiada doa yang tidak Allah kabulkan

There is happy ending, if it doesn't end with happiness, then it is not the end. 

"Bahagia yang sedikit akan bertambah apabila dikongsi. Bahagia yang dikongsi tidak akan berkurang malah akan bertambah.  

Percayalah... menyalakan lilin orang lain tidak akan mengurang cahaya lilin mu tetapi kita akan mendapat lebih banyak cahaya!" -Pahrol Mohd Juoi-

HELP ME TO SMILE

Can't hold on my tears anymore. 

Just have to let it go, trickling down my face all over.. Sob sob.. 

My husband said to me when I broke the news that the UPT was positive, he said that I got pregnant because I gave food and being nice to the Kamikaze cat behind our house. We also brought him to the clinic to treat his illness.

But, I guess, I was not good enough, be it to the cat, to my husband, to my children, to my mother in law and sister in laws who are staying with us. I have a lot of sins and just that reason, makes me nobody who deserve to have whatever wishes and du'a I have made... 

Ya Rabb! Please give me SABR. 

Please forgive me all my sins.

Please accept my solat, my ibadah. 

Please let me pass my PhD, the only thing, the only du'a that I wish you to grant me, 

Because I don't think I can bare any of Your big tests anymore...

Sob sob sob sob..

Make me a strong person Ya Allah..

Help me to be patient Ya Allah..

Please Ya Allah.. Ya Rahmaan Ya Raheem.. 

Sob sob.. Sob sob.. 

SSI - smile senyum ibtisam

It's been 2 weeks and I am still not fully recovered from the pain at the scar. I realise it during and after I cooked fried macaroni this morning. I thought that I am fully healed because, based on my experience, the laparoscopic operation pain lasted for 2 weeks and I was fully recovered. But, this time round, the recovery process is taking longer than I thought. 

I googled for the post laparotomy advices  and precautiouns. I find that this link gives a very good guideline for me. http://www.qegateshead.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/users/user1/leaflets/IL337%20Discharge%20advice%20following%20laparotomy.pdf. InsyaAllah, I am now more prepared to make myself "pantang" for 6 weeks to be back to normal again. 

In the meantime, I aim to finish all the lessons for Typing Tutor as I failed to finish it before. I hope to be able to type with 10 fingers on my laptop when I write my thesis later. Here's a tip from my husband that I must repeat typing the same lesson for 40 times and only then to move to the next lesson. That's the only way to really master the alphabets. Well, he mastered it in 1 month time. I hope to master it in 2 weeks time. May Allah grant my du'a. 

Stop complaining. Stop whining. Stop commenting. I don't like to listen to it. So, I must also stop it while talking to others. Sometimes, when I complaint to certain people, they just ignored. So, that's why I decided to be back blogging because here's the only place that I can record my complaints and nobody will complain about it. Right? Haha. (Am I becoming cuckoo erkkk??)

It's Jumu'ah! Yeay!!!!! 

My LITTLE CALIPHS ARE BIG BOYS ALREADY

I am so thankful to Allah for having these two little caliphs that had been cherishing my life for the past almost 9 years. Alhamdulillah, being at home makes me spend more time with Abang Huzaifah and Baby Habib. 

Since Huzaifah is having his final exam for standard 2, Umi is doing daily revision with Huzaifah. It is requested by Huzaifah. Umi is hoping and praying that Huzaifah will get number 1 in class. Amiiin. 

Habib is going to dance for his convocation. Need  to persuade him to go to school every morning. Huhu. Alhamdulillah, his Furqaan reading is getting better, now he's reading number 3. Umi aims for Habib to finish number 4 and 5 (if there's any) by end of next month. And hopefully by end of this year Habib will start reciting from the Quran. Ok Baby Habib?? ;) 

As for Huzaifah, let's aim to finish memorising juz'Amma ye? InsyaAllah, we can do it, ok Huzaifah? 

I love you both so much! *muahs*

IT COMES AND GOES

The sad feeling of loosing the baby... will just comes back. 

No specific time.

No specific reason.

No specific day. 

It's uncontrollable. 

But I can still control the teary of eyes and feeling sad for too long. 

If only you, my baby, get to be delivered next year 2016...

I would be able to carry you..

I would be able to kiss and hug you..

I would be able to smell you..

I would be able to breastfeed you..

I would be able to ask Huzaifah and Habib to take care of their baby sister or brother,

I would be able to take pictures with you..

I would be able to cherish the moments with you along with your Ayah, Abang Huzaifah, Abang Habib and the rest or Pasir Pekan's family and Rahim's Bunch family. 

I miss you my dear little baby. 

I wish you are still in my tummy. You would be 8 weeks by tomorrow and I would be able to see your little heart beat by ultrasound. 

I will keep praying and make a lot of dua's for me to be strong and stronger day by day to overcome this sad feeling. 

P/s: Having pain and looking at the scar are reminding of the painful memories of losing you, my little one. You were just 5 weeks old and I had to undergo a laporotomy that left me a big scar which looks like a caesar. Huhu. Please pray for Ummi yeah? Love you baby.. 

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

Assalamualaikum,

The last post in this blog marked the day I saw the 2 red lines on the urine pregnancy test. Allahuakbar! The happiness was indescribable. 

To recall some of the conversations that I had with my husband..

"Kita nak namakan anak kita apa?"

"Nak beranak kat mana? Kalau Hospital UIA siap, nak beranak kat UIA jelah"

"EDD 1 June 2016, nanti pantang time bulan puasa la nampaknya"

"Huda mengidam apa, abang belikan"

"Nak siapkan keje lab sebelum bulan 6 tahun depan. Nanti boleh cuti lama nak fully breastfeeding baby.."

"Bila nak bagitau Mak? Kita tunggu balik KL, tunjuk "Mak, perut Huda buncit!""

Wow! I can just go on listing all the conversations we both had. Seriously, both of us were SUPER EXCITED for this new coming baby after waiting for 6 years. 

However, the excitement had to stop when we saw the ultrasound scan. My uterus was empty. And I saw the POC was outside the uterus. "O Allah. Why is it that the POC outside and not in its place? Is is another ectopic?" This time round, there was no heart beat so, I didn't cry like the last time when I saw the scan. (Strong Ummi!!)

There were 3 specialists seeing my case and they were giving me so many options. I chose to go for emergency diagnostic laparoscopic kiv open laparotomy for ectopic left cornual pregnancy. I was happy for the pregnancy to be 5 weeks and 6 days (Thank You Allah for the oppurtunity given), but I was sad for the rest of the days because knowingly that I had to terminate the pregnancy. 

I was in the operation theatre for 3 hours. They did open mini laparotomy (which didn't look like a mini to me) and wedge resection 2x2cm of the left cornual pregnancy. Syukur that it was on the left side. So, my right tube is spared. But they said that the next pregnancy need to have contraception precautions and must be elective caesarean section. (I'm still thinking the fact of being pregnant at the age of 37-38...;)) Alhamdulillah, I was discharged after 3 days warded. 

It was hard for me to cope and adjust to the "jalan kura-kura", "pegang bantal kecik kat perut untuk support" the first 2 weeks. But entering 3rd week, I'm felling adjusted with what I can or not do. The pain is still there but bearable. Not sure when I can go up to my room upstairs. Huhu. 

There were times when I cry my heart out after solat. The thoughts that came to me were actually du'as for me.. 

- I wish to get better, healthy, fit physically ane spiritually after 4 weeks

- I wish that Allah will grant my GOT PhD eventhough I might be struggling this coming few months

-  I wish to teach Huzaifah and Habib their school subjects personally and make du'a that they will become number 1 in class 

- I am sad the fact that this is the 2nd ectopic pregnancy and they distorted my upper segment uterus making the risk for me to get pregnant is very high

- I am sad I am unable to lift heavy weights and doing housechores for quite sometime because the scar is just too big.. 

- I was sad and worried if I made the right decision by terminating the pregnancy. But, reading the forums made me believe that I did the right thing

- I am sad that I have lost 2 precious pregnancies that are difficult for me to get

- I am sad.

- But, I accept the fate that this is what Allah wants me to experience. The pain, the heartache, the unstable mood makes me try to get  back to Allah. He knows best! 

Post op 13 days, I think I can handle my emotional better. I hope to recover soon and become the best of His servant insyaAllah. May Allah bless us with many Blessings and Happiness for what has happened definitely broke my heart. Amiiiin. 

 

Thanks Abang for your understanding. The chocs... my mood lifters!!! *thumbs up* ;)