EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

Assalamualaikum,

The last post in this blog marked the day I saw the 2 red lines on the urine pregnancy test. Allahuakbar! The happiness was indescribable. 

To recall some of the conversations that I had with my husband..

"Kita nak namakan anak kita apa?"

"Nak beranak kat mana? Kalau Hospital UIA siap, nak beranak kat UIA jelah"

"EDD 1 June 2016, nanti pantang time bulan puasa la nampaknya"

"Huda mengidam apa, abang belikan"

"Nak siapkan keje lab sebelum bulan 6 tahun depan. Nanti boleh cuti lama nak fully breastfeeding baby.."

"Bila nak bagitau Mak? Kita tunggu balik KL, tunjuk "Mak, perut Huda buncit!""

Wow! I can just go on listing all the conversations we both had. Seriously, both of us were SUPER EXCITED for this new coming baby after waiting for 6 years. 

However, the excitement had to stop when we saw the ultrasound scan. My uterus was empty. And I saw the POC was outside the uterus. "O Allah. Why is it that the POC outside and not in its place? Is is another ectopic?" This time round, there was no heart beat so, I didn't cry like the last time when I saw the scan. (Strong Ummi!!)

There were 3 specialists seeing my case and they were giving me so many options. I chose to go for emergency diagnostic laparoscopic kiv open laparotomy for ectopic left cornual pregnancy. I was happy for the pregnancy to be 5 weeks and 6 days (Thank You Allah for the oppurtunity given), but I was sad for the rest of the days because knowingly that I had to terminate the pregnancy. 

I was in the operation theatre for 3 hours. They did open mini laparotomy (which didn't look like a mini to me) and wedge resection 2x2cm of the left cornual pregnancy. Syukur that it was on the left side. So, my right tube is spared. But they said that the next pregnancy need to have contraception precautions and must be elective caesarean section. (I'm still thinking the fact of being pregnant at the age of 37-38...;)) Alhamdulillah, I was discharged after 3 days warded. 

It was hard for me to cope and adjust to the "jalan kura-kura", "pegang bantal kecik kat perut untuk support" the first 2 weeks. But entering 3rd week, I'm felling adjusted with what I can or not do. The pain is still there but bearable. Not sure when I can go up to my room upstairs. Huhu. 

There were times when I cry my heart out after solat. The thoughts that came to me were actually du'as for me.. 

- I wish to get better, healthy, fit physically ane spiritually after 4 weeks

- I wish that Allah will grant my GOT PhD eventhough I might be struggling this coming few months

-  I wish to teach Huzaifah and Habib their school subjects personally and make du'a that they will become number 1 in class 

- I am sad the fact that this is the 2nd ectopic pregnancy and they distorted my upper segment uterus making the risk for me to get pregnant is very high

- I am sad I am unable to lift heavy weights and doing housechores for quite sometime because the scar is just too big.. 

- I was sad and worried if I made the right decision by terminating the pregnancy. But, reading the forums made me believe that I did the right thing

- I am sad that I have lost 2 precious pregnancies that are difficult for me to get

- I am sad.

- But, I accept the fate that this is what Allah wants me to experience. The pain, the heartache, the unstable mood makes me try to get  back to Allah. He knows best! 

Post op 13 days, I think I can handle my emotional better. I hope to recover soon and become the best of His servant insyaAllah. May Allah bless us with many Blessings and Happiness for what has happened definitely broke my heart. Amiiiin. 

 

Thanks Abang for your understanding. The chocs... my mood lifters!!! *thumbs up* ;)

ALHAMDULILLAH

The long waiting dream has finally comes true. Thank You Allah for giving this oppurtunity. May I become humble and a pious servant after this and the days to come, InsyaAllah. Amiiiiiin. 

May Allah grant the wishes of my friends who are in the same boat too, soon. 

O Allah, please keep us safe and healthy under Your Care.  Amiiiiin. 

THE TIRED BUT FRUITFUL WEEKEND

Alhamdulillah, my husband and I was super spring cleaning together. 

What Abang Did?

✔️ Cut the grass

✔️ Cut the pokok pandan 

✔️ Cut the pinang leaves

✔️ Washed the smelly green rubbish bin

✔️ Cleaned the front house

✔️ Washed the Alza

What I did? 

✔️ Helped Abang for 10 minutes

✔️ Ironed the curtains and cushion covers

✔️ Changed the curtains and cushion covers

✔️ Rearranged the SisApple Cottage stuff

✔️ Wash the clothes and hung them

✔️ Cooked simple dishes for lunches

Since I did more chores, my Abang did something special for me. 

He bought me Laici Kang! Sedap!! ;) 

Thanks for a lovely weekend, Abang. 

Syukur Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for the strength and will to clean up the house. 

Here are some of the pics to summarize the sweet and tired and fruitful weekend. Haha. Back to work tomorrow!! 

WRITING AS I LIKE

It had been a while since I wrote in this blog. But, to my surprise, I've been writing A LOT and post it on my Facebook wall. Not sure what makes me do that. Is it just for getting the LIKES? Kuang kuang kuang. Kantoi! 

Anyways, I wrote about my Kamikaze, the unfortunate cat at the back of our house which had been diagnosed as having Spirotrochosis. A deadly fungus which can affect human. The treatment will need 6 months of oral medication just like antiTB treatment. The cat is still at the cat shop. We decided to ward him and let the veterinarian takes care of him. The vet suggested to euthanise it, but my husband said to give it a chance to live first. I also don't mind because I'm also getting to like the cat. Habib had been asking about the cat! Hopefully the cat will get well soon.

This morning I wrote something related with the RED DAY yesterday. It sadden my Chinese friend who felt that she is being threatened by people calling her as "pendatang". I was not prepared to answer her questions about the RED DAY, about what will happen to the Chinese and Malay, what will become of Malaysia and what is happening in Malaysia. I quoted Tunku Abdul Rahman and the ayat from Surah Al Hujurat:13. SAY NO TO RACISM. We are not USA like years ago when they discriminate blacks and whites. We are 1 Malaysia, I guess now we should use the 1 Malaysia slogan and stop making fools of ownselves, you know who. 

I want to write another story of mine, which happened today. That is I was invited by FMS to become a facilitator during a breastfeeding course. I was really scared because I thought I might not be able to answer the questions. But Alhamdulillah to my surprise the discussion and sharing session was very fruitful for me. Shared about my 3rd ectopic baby. Ok. That made me sad a bit. Now I know why I'm feeling like writing and feeling sad in the heart, and hard on the chest. The mothers were shocked and awed when I told them, "I saw a heartbeat". Yes, that's how I felt. Shocked. Awed. Sad. Cry. Been waiting for it for a long time.... But Alhamdulillah, I got to accept the fact.. That our miracle baby who lived in my left Fallopian tube, was taken back by Allah before I get to nurture him for 9 months and let him grow with love in our family. Alhamdulillah, since the loss, there were many good things that happened in our lives. So, I am grateful to Allah for all His Kindness, His Love and His Blessings in our lives. 

Done writing. Will continue updating from time to time insyaAllah. 

Berjaya upload gambar! Yeay! :)

INSPIRATION AND MOTIVATION

Alhamdulillah, I am back to write in this blog! 

Not sure exactly how I am treating this blog. But, I guess, whenever I want to write, I have a place where I can go to. 

September marks the end of my 1st year PhD and entering my 2nd year of PhD. 

WOW! Seriously? It had been a year?

Why am I feeling that for the past 1 year, like nothing really happened. 

Except for the negative results that I've gained. huhuhu

I tried not to be so sad with the amount of work I've done and the final result was negative. 

It was mainly because, I didn't want my supervisor to panic.

But deep inside me, I am feeling anxious and stressed with the progress that I've made.

Anyway, I went to Setia Alam last week for my 2nd conference. Presented a poster but I didn't win. haha. But, I love all the lectures given. The speakers were good in their fields and they have made me "feeling" motivated to continue striving as my 2nd year of PhD approaching. 

I was really inspired by Prof Datin Dr Zahurin from UM and Prof Dr. Zalina from USM. Both of them have students and they really helped students and not condemning students from the way I saw it. My supervisor is also that kind of person and I am thankful and so grateful to Allah SWT for that opportunity given. I hope not to waste that given chance and may I graduate on time to say my thanks back to my supervisor who really guided and taught me to succeed in my study. InsyaAllah. 

Last but not least, I am motivated to continue this journey when my good friend, Shida who has just joined to ride the same boat as mine. Finally, I have a friend other than my husband, who I can go to and let things out when I am stress, and we can eventually motivate each other, bang each other's head whenever we are cuckoo and keep up the momentum to finish the thesis writing at the end of this journey, insyaAllah. For having her by my side, I am so grateful to Allah. I hope we can successfully finish our PhD journeys on time. Amiiiiiiinnnn. 

Let's inspire and motivate each other, ok  Shida! 

(and through LINE please...... I just love Cony and Brown. hehe)