Friday, April 30, 2010

TOK AND KAKLONG WARDED

Assalamualaikum

My Tok and Kak Long warded yesterday...

Tok, my paternal gradmother was warded at Hospital Besut? for her blood pressure fluctuates and also symptoms of vertigo spinning in her head. Ciknon, my aunt had been sending the updated sms to let me know how's she doing there. Now she's started on IV drip, maintainance of 2 pints.. Hopefully she'll recover soon...

Kaklong, my sister in law admitted to ward for suspected infection of the kidney? pyelonephritis.. She's currently in Manchester, UK doing her phD. My abanglong said that they will do ultrasound of the kidney today... suspected microorganism is E. coli??

To my two dearest family members, may Allah give sabr and may Allah heal your illness soon...
AMEEN!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

NEVER ENDING PROPOSAL...

Assalamualaikum...

It had been a while since I updated my blog...
Well when it comes to problems with my research, then only I'll be back to writing up my blog I guess, just to have a look at the title of my blog make me smile.. ;)

Last week, because of some unexpected problem, my husband had a big test on him regarding his research proposal. So, I helped my husband little bit here and there for his research proposal...He had to change the title of his research and start new again.. Well, it was quite surprising with the minutes that we spent to do his search, but Alhamdulillah, in time, we have already submitted his research proposal today...

As for me, I had to do changes here and there for the recommendations made by the Research Committee. I had to change the number of the nnnnnnn... just to make it scientifically perfect!!! Anyways, I replied in the proposal that since you ask for the increased number of animals, then, the budget grant must be increased as well!!! haha

Hopefully, they will give us the money! Because with the amount of honey that I have used for the research almost reach 1000... hhmm... duit poket sendiri!

Alhamdulillah, the research proposal has been sent today also...
Hopefully both my research proposal and my husband's will be accepted and everything goes smoothly after this.. AMEEN!

DENYUT KASIH MEDIK

This post will be written in a shortwhile..
(i need to eat lunch!)

Monday, April 19, 2010

SMILE IN SADNESS

Assalamualaikum,

It was pretty surprising last week when I thought about everyone's life. There's a colleague having trouble with his family and father probably diagnosed to have a malignant tumor.. Another colleague confirmed to have missed abortion.. While my husband having difficulties to come out with an idea for his research, I have to bare with his difficulties and at the same time to continue to go on with my research..

ASTAGHFIRULLAHAL 'AZEEM..

What have we done to get all these tests?
Please forgive us Allah for all our sins...
Please guide us Allah to seek your rahmah...

2:155 Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,


"Sabar dengan ujianNya
Syukur dengan nikmatNya..."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

COMMITTEE MEETING

Assalamualaikum,

We went to see the Executive Officer for postgraduate students today after the meeting the committee had yesterday. There were 16 research proposals to be approved...

Alhamdulillah, she said that my research proposal was OK and need a little bit more of addition here and there...

But, unfortunately, Abang's research proposal might be held back because (of somethings not to be mentioned here)... He had already changed the topic for 5 times!!! Hmm, his supervisors should be held responsible for that actually... But, maybe there's hikmah from yesterday's discussion with one of our lecturers... This is another test from Him...

ALLAH KNOWS BEST!!
ALLAH KNOWS WHAT'S BEST FOR US!!
Learn to sabar and redha as we had tried to do our best!!

To my dearest other half...
Sabar, Redha, Doa..
InsyaAllah Allah will show you the way and make things easy for us all...Ameen.
Make doa, and always pray and hope... that the next research proposal title will be accepted by the supervisors and also the committee.
Even though it's late, insyaAllah it will not be too late...
Don't Be Sad...
Hugs...

Monday, April 12, 2010

FAILING TO PLAN IS PLANNING TO FAIL!

Assalamualaikum,

Alhamdulillah after 2 weeks of preparing and submitting my research proposal, the nightmare ended with a interesting and valuable workshop on Biostatistics... haha. Someone might say biostats is another nightmare, but for me Alhamdulillah, the introduction of the biostats made me felt good and release from the tension from before...

The professor who taught us about SPSS and AMOS 4.0 made the lectures and the workshop very interesting and understandable. THANK YOU PROFS!!

We were told that there'll be another 3 days workshop starting from today till Wednesday. Couldn't decide to go or not.. But after thinking and reviewing the schedule for many many times, I think we wouldn't go since our milestone in research is already submitted the research proposal, which will be covered 2nd day of workshop. So, I guess, it would bore us, and the Prof said yesterday that it's more for the CLINICAL postgraduate students. We had research methodology classes and going to have another semester to learn about biostatistics.. So, insyaAllah and hopefully eveything will be covered then.. :)

The title given to my blog post this time was quoted from 2 doctors actually.. Prof Dato' Dr Md Tahir and Assoc Prof Dr Jamalludin Ab Rahman.. I had planned by Gantt chart but I'm not sure I can follow them. I hope I will.. Maybe I have to restart planning in my little diary again. haha. I used to write the litlle diary before during early settlement in the university. However, as time goes by, the little diary became empty as days passed by.. hehe.

START TO PLAN AGAIN!
InsyaAllah, with the help of my dear supervisor, I'll be able to do my lab work smoothly...
AMEEN..
Wassalam for now

Thursday, April 08, 2010

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN "LOVE"

It is impossible to capture in words
the feelings I have for you
They are the strongest feelings that I
have ever had about anything
yet when I try to tell you them
or try to write them to you
the words do not even begin to touch
the depths of my feelings
And though I cannot explain the essence of
these phenomenal feelings
I can tell you what I feel like when I am with you
When I am with you it is as if
I were a bird flying freely in the clear blue sky
When I am with you it is as if
I were a flower opening up my petals of life
When I am with you it is as if
I were the waves of the ocean crashing strongly against the shore
When I am with you it is as if
I were the rainbow after the storm proudly showing my colors
When I am with you it is as if
everything that is beautiful surrounds us
This is just a very small part of how wonderful I feel
when I am with you
Maybe the word "love" was invented to explain
the deep, all-encompassing feelings that I have for you
but somehow it is not strong enough
But since it is the best word that there is
let me tell you a thousand times
I love you more than
"love"

-Poem by Susan Polis Schutz

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

ALHAMDULILLAH.. SUBMITTED

Salaam...
Syukur Alhamdulillah have finally submitted my research proposal..
It had been busy thinking and spinning bowel motions at the same for the past 2 weeks!!!
I had to finish up my research proposal to be subimtted yesterday actually, but I managed to submit this morning only... (if my supervisors dot to know..)

Thanks to my 3 supervisors who really discussed and worked up for my research proposal's editing. Syukur Alhamdulillah for the last meeting for the final "touch up" for the proposal. I hope I can be the same soon insyaAllah when I get the title LECTURER and when my student asking for my help later on.. AMEEN. :)

Postgraduate study is not as bad as undergraduate, they said... but still, when I was in the middle of writing up the proposal, I felt that they are both just the same. I never stopped going to toilet every now and then. haha..

Anyways, syukur one step is done. Now, Abang's turn to make his final draft to submit to the Kuliyyah. May Allah ease him and my friends to make the research proposal ready by end of this week. InsyaAllah you can do it Abang!! :) I have yet many steps after this to make this research "happening", insyaAllah.. AMEEN.

That's all for now.. Will try to start to discipline self and start lab work tomorrow, insyaAllah!!! NO MORE EXCUSES!!! ;0

Friday, April 02, 2010

JUMU'AH SA'EEDAH

Alhamdulillah..
Syukur, Alhamdulillah..

My 1st research proposal presentation was during the meeting with all 3 SUPERB supervisors... and it went well..

Yesterday, I had 2nd research proposal presentation to a Professor from Singapore. My supervisor wanted me to share my proposal with the Professor. I waited 2 days to present and as usual,same as what has happened to me back in student life during my undergrad, my irritable bowel syndrome joined me back! Initially i thought that the meeting was going to be on Wednesday, I had gastric on that day because of late lunch and not heavy breakfast. Yesterday I had heavy meal for breakfast and chocolate bread for lunch. At 4pm, my bowel started to sound uneasy! Luckily I didn't go to toilet coz at 4:50pm, I was called to present to the Prof.

Alhamdulillah, he was very nice man. He suggested a few research questions for me to study and look into further. He also suggested few methodologies. It was a very good discussion and he said that I should go for tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!!! hehe (tak boleh bgtau lagi, tunggu la hari tuuuut, baru boleh bgtau. hehe)

Alhamdulillah, I've finished my writing up for my research proposal to be submitted next week. Hopefully not many changes that I have to do after my supervisors checking and editing. InsyaAllah.. May Allah ease me and my husband in this field. AMEEN

JUMUA'H SA'EEDAH!

CERITA BEST

Hari-hari berlalu yang dilewati seakan sudah bertahun lamanya, namun yang perlu diakui ialah ianya baru beberapa minggu lalu. Iya, hanya beberapa minggu lalu. Berita itu aku sambut dengan hati yang diusahakan untuk berlapang dada. Benar, aku berusaha berlapang dada. Terkadang, terasa nusrah Ilahi begitu hampir saat kita benar-benar berada di tepi tebing, tunggu saat untuk menjunam jatuh ke dalam gaung. Maha Suci Allah yang mengangkat aku, meletakkan aku kembali di jalan tarbiyyah dan terus memimpin untukku melangkah dengan tabah.

Aku hanya seorang Insyirah. Tiada kelebihan yang teristimewa, tidak juga punya apa-apa yang begitu menonjol. Jalan ku juga dua kaki, lihat ku juga menggunakan mata, sama seperti manusia lain yang menumpang di bumi Allah ini. Aku tidak buta, tidak juga tuli mahupun bisu. Aku bisa melihat dengan sepasang mata pinjaman Allah, aku bisa mendengar dengan sepasang telinga pinjaman Allah juga aku bisa bercakap dengan lidahku yang lembut tidak bertulang. Sama seperti manusia lain.

Aku bukan seperti bondanya Syeikh Qadir al-Jailani, aku juga tidak sehebat srikandi Sayyidah Khadijah dalam berbakti, aku bukan sebaik Sayyidah Fatimah yang setia menjadi pengiring ayahanda dalam setiap langkah perjuangan memartabatkan Islam. Aku hanya seorang Insyirah yang sedang mengembara di bumi Tuhan, jalanku kelak juga sama... Negeri Barzakh, insya Allah. Destinasi aku juga sama seperti kalian, Negeri Abadi. Tiada keraguan dalam perkara ini.

Sejak dari hari istimewa tersebut, ramai sahabiah yang memuji wajahku berseri dan mereka yakin benar aku sudah dikhitbah apabila melihat kedua tangan ku memakai cincin di jari manis. Aku hanya tersenyum, tidak mengiyakan dan tidak pula menidakkan. Diam ku bukan membuka pintu-pintu soalan yang maha banyak, tetapi diam ku kerana aku belum mampu memperkenalkan insan itu. Sehingga kini, aku tetap setia dalam penantian.

Ibu bertanyakan soalan yang sewajarnya aku jawab dengan penuh tatasusila.

"Hari menikah nanti nak pakai baju warna apa?"

Aku menjawab tenang.. "Warna putih, bersih..."

"Alhamdulillah, ibu akan usahakan dalam tempoh terdekat."

"Ibu, 4 meter sudah cukup untuk sepasang jubah. Jangan berlebihan."

Ibu angguk perlahan.

Beberapa hari ini, aku menyelak satu per satu... helaian demi helaian naskhah yang begitu menyentuh nubari aku sebagai hamba Allah. Malam Pertama... Sukar sekali aku ungkapkan perasaan yang bersarang, mahu saja aku menangis semahunya tetapi sudah aku ikrarkan, biarlah Allah juga yang menetapkan tarikhnya kerana aku akan sabar menanti hari bahagia tersebut. Mudah-mudahan aku terus melangkah tanpa menoleh ke belakang lagi. Mudah-mudahan ya Allah.

Sejak hari pertunangan itu, aku semakin banyak mengulang al-Quran. Aku mahu sebelum tibanya hari yang aku nantikan itu, aku sudah khatam al-Quran, setidak-tidaknya nanti hatiku akan tenang dengan kalamullah yang sudah meresap ke dalam darah yang mengalir dalam tubuh. Mudah-mudahan aku tenang... As-Syifa' aku adalah al-Quran, yang setia menemani dalam resah aku menanti. Benar, aku sedang memujuk gelora hati. Mahu pecah jantung menanti detik pernikahan tersebut, begini rasanya orang-orang yang mendahului.

"Kak Insyirah, siapa tunang akak? Mesti hebat orangnya. Kacak tak?"

Aku tersenyum, mengulum sendiri setiap rasa yang singgah. Maaf, aku masih mahu merahsiakan tentang perkara itu. Cukup mereka membuat penilaian sendiri bahawa aku sudah bertunang, kebenarannya itu antara aku dan keluarga.

"Insya Allah, 'dia' tiada rupa tetapi sangat mendekatkan akak dengan Allah. Itu yang paling utama."

Berita itu juga buat beberapa orang menjauhkan diri dariku. Kata mereka, aku senyapkan sesuatu yang perlu diraikan. Aku tersenyum lagi.

"Jangan lupa jemput ana di hari menikahnya, jangan lupa!"

Aku hanya tersenyum entah sekian kalinya. Apa yang mampu aku zahirkan ialah senyuman dan terus tersenyum. Mereka mengandai aku sedang berbahagia apabila sudah dikhitbahkan dengan 'dia' yang mendekatkan aku dengan Allah. Sahabiah juga merasa kehilangan ku apabila setiap waktu terluang aku habiskan masa dengan as-Syifa' ku al-Quran, tidak lain kerana aku mahu kalamullah meresap dalam darahku, agar ketenangan akan menyelinap dalam setiap derap nafas ku menanti hari itu.

"Bila enti menikah?"

Aku tiada jawapan khusus.

"Insya Allah, tiba waktunya nanti enti akan tahu..." Aku masih menyimpan tarikh keramat itu, bukan aku sengaja tetapi memang benar aku sendiri tidak tahu bila tarikhnya.

"Jemput ana tau!" Khalilah tersenyum megah.

"Kalau enti tak datang pun ana tak berkecil hati, doakan ana banyak-banyak!" Itu saja pesanku. Aku juga tidak tahu di mana mahu melangsungkan pernikahan ku, aduh semuanya menjadi tanda tanya sendiri. Diam dan terus berdiam membuatkan ramai insan berkecil hati.

"Insya Allah, kalian PASTI akan tahu bila sampai waktunya nanti..."

Rahsia ku adalah rahsia Allah, kerana itu aku tidak mampu memberikan tarikhnya. Cuma, hanya termampu aku menyiapkan diri sebaiknya. Untung aku dilamar dan dikhitbah dahulu tanpa menikah secara terkejut seperti orang lain. Semuanya aku sedaya upaya siapkan, baju menikahnya, dan aku katakan sekali lagi kepada ibu...

"Usah berlebihan ya..."

Ibu angguk perlahan dan terus berlalu, hilang dari pandangan mata.

"Insyirah, jom makan!"

Aku tersenyum lagi... Akhir-akhir ini aku begitu pemurah dengan senyuman.

"Tafaddal, ana puasa."

Sahabiah juga semakin galak mengusik.

"Wah, Insyirah diet ya. Maklumlah hari bahagia dah dekat... Tarikhnya tak tetap lagi ke?"

"Bukan diet, mahu mengosongkan perut. Maaf, tarikhnya belum ditetapkan lagi."

Sehingga kini, aku tidak tahu bila tarikhnya yang pasti. Maafkan aku sahabat, bersabarlah menanti hari tersebut. Aku juga menanti dengan penuh debaran, moga aku bersedia untuk hari pernikahan tersebut dan terus mengecap bahagia sepanjang alam berumahtangga kelak. Doakan aku, itu sahaja.

............ ......... ......... .........

"innalillahi wainna ilaihi rajiun..."

"Tenangnya... Subhanallah. Allahuakbar."

"Ya Allah, tenangnya..."

"Moga Allah memberkatinya. ..."

Allah, itu suara sahabat-sahabat ku, teman-teman seperjuangan aku pada ibu.

Akhirnya, aku selamat dinikahkan setelah sabar dalam penantian. Sahabiah ramai yang datang di majlis walimah walaupun aku tidak menjemput sendiri.

Akhirnya, mereka ketahui sosok 'dia' yang mendekatkan aku kepada Allah.
Akhirnya, mereka kenali sosok 'dia' yang aku rahsiakan dari pengetahuan umum.
Akhirnya, mereka sama-sama mengambil 'ibrah dari sosok 'dia' yang mengkhitbah ku.

Dalam sedar tidak sedar...

Hampir setiap malam sebelum menjelang hari pernikahan ku... Sentiasa ada suara sayu yang menangis sendu di hening malam, dalam sujud, dalam rafa'nya pada Rabbi, dalam sembahnya pada Ilahi. Sayup-sayup hatinya merintih. Air matanya mengalir deras, hanya Tuhan yang tahu.

"Ya Allah, telah Engkau tunangkan aku tidak lain dengan 'dia' yang mendekatkan dengan Engkau. Yang menyedarkan aku untuk selalu berpuasa, yang menyedarkan aku tentang dunia sementara, yang menyedarkan aku tentang alam akhirat. Engkau satukan kami dalam majlis yang Engkau redhai, aku hamba Mu yang tak punya apa-apa selain Engkau sebagai sandaran harapan. Engkau maha mengetahui apa yang tidak aku ketahui..."

Akhirnya, Khalilah bertanya kepada ibu beberapa minggu kemudian...

"Insyirah bertunang dengan siapa, mak cik?"

Ibu tenang menjawab... "Dengan kematian wahai anakku. Kanser tulang yang mulanya hanya pada tulang belakang sudah merebak dengan cepat pada tangan, kaki juga otaknya. Kata doktor, Insyirah hanya punya beberapa minggu sahaja sebelum kansernya membunuh."

"Allahuakbar. .." Terduduk Khalilah mendengar, air matanya tak mampu ditahan.

"Buku yang sering dibacanya itu, malam pertama..."

Ibu angguk, tersenyum lembut... "Ini nak, bukunya." Senaskah buku bertukar tangan, karangan Dr 'Aidh Abdullah al-Qarni tertera tajuk 'Malam Pertama di Alam Kubur'.

"Ya Allah, patut la Insyirah selalu menangis... Khalilah tak tahu mak cik."

"Dan sejak dari hari 'khitbah' tersebut, selalu Insyirah mahu berpuasa. Katanya mahu mengosongkan perut, mudah untuk dimandikan.. ."

Khalilah masih kaku. Tiada suara yang terlontar. Matanya basah menatap kalam dari diari Insyirah yang diberikan oleh ibu.

"Satu cincin ini aku pakai sebagai tanda aku di risik oleh MAUT. Dan satu cincin ini aku pakai sebagai tanda aku sudah bertunang dengan MAUT. Dan aku akan sabar menanti tarikhnya dengan mendekatkan diri ku kepada ALLAH. Aku tahu ibu akan tenang menghadapinya, kerana ibuku bernama Ummu Sulaim, baginya anak adalah pinjaman dari ALLAH yang perlu dipulangkan apabila ALLAH meminta. Dan ibu mengambil 'ibrah bukan dari namanya (Ummu Sulaim) malah akhlaqnya sekali. Ummu Sulaim, seteguh dan setabah hati seorang ibu."

* Kisah ini bukan kisah ana (Insyirah), ianya kisah KITA (semua yang sedang membaca/tak) *

Mulai hari ini, jangan bersoal tika melihat ana memakai cincin. Kerana, ana sudah bertunang! Bertunang dengan kematian, tidak tahu bila ana akan dinikahkan dan tidak tahu bagaimana rezeki di malam pertama. Tetapi, sekurang-kurangnya apabila sudah dirisik dan bertunang, kita sama-sama akan mempersiapkan diri sebaik-baiknya walaupun bukan yang terbaik untuk hari pernikahan dengan KEMATIAN. Wallahua'lam.

Cukuplah kematian itu mengingatkan kita... Cukuplah kita sedar kita akan berpisah dengan segala nikmat dunia. Cukuplah kita sedar bahawa ada hari yang lebih kekal, oleh itu sentiasalah berwaspada. Bimbang menikah tergesa-gesa, tahu-tahu sudah disanding dan diarak seluruh kampung walau hanya dengan sehelai kain putih tak berharga.

Setidak-tidaknya, Insyirah (watak di atas) sudah 'membeli' baju pernikahannya. ..

~ Kullu nafsin za'iqatul maut ~

Insyirah Soleha,
19 Januari 2010
Baiti